Man's stuff

I'm not the most practical of men. There's a school of thought that men should be burly, rugby-playing DIYing-part-time-mechanics. I'm svelte rather than solid. I would play rugby, but I don't like the tackling aspect and the idea of putting up a shelf terrifies me. But I recently had a mechanical break-through. Since I bought a car about 18 months ago, my skills have flourished. I quickly worked out how to fill the washer fluid. Then I moved onto checking and topping-up the oil. But last weekend, over the course of an hour, I blossomed into a fully-fledged domestic mechanic: I changed a headlamp. I'm pretty-damn pleased with myself; I've never seen it done and the instructions were rubbish.

I needed a manliness boost. Only the week before Marg (my little sister for those who don't know) sent me a text complaining about a bad day, which ended with the sentence: "Do you know how much a new clutch is?", or the textual equivalent. I vaguely remembered buying her some kind of ladies' accessory for Christmas, and being the ever-protective big brother I replied thus: "Oh no, what's happened? Has someone stolen your wallet?" Of course, she wasn't talking about a small strapless handbag. No, the clutch on her Clio had gone.

But allow me to attempt to assert my masculinity and return to the headlight: It tested me both mentally and physically. Taking the unit out was a tense moment. It was the point of no return. If I couldn't fit the unit back in, my poor Fiesta was going to be like a bride short of a veil, an Easter without an Egg, or a girl band missing the fit one who can't sing very well. With the unit out I spent a while with it on my lap, perplexing me with it's solidity. The solution was obvious really; outflank it and attack from the rear! With the bulb replaced and the unit in tact, the final challenge was slipping it back into the car. I say, slipping, when I actually mean cajoling, forcing or indeed ramming. But after a certain amount of persuasion it was done, and unlike most of my programming efforts it worked first time.

To change the subject: Why is Binyam Mohamed referred to as "a former resident of Guantanamo Bay"? Surely, he was an inmate? Resident sounds like he was on holiday. I'm not making any comment whether or not he should have been there, or whether "there" should have been there at all, but really; I can't believe it was Butlin's.

That paragraph was a bit heavy-duty. To break the awkward silence, here's one about football. I've been having daily handover meetings with Paul who's taking over my job (among others) while I move onto a new "opportunity". We're a few weeks into that now, so this week's meetings have been a little more laid-back. Today, we got talking about the Champions League. Why, I pondered, is the draw next week, rather than as soon as possible after the Quarter Finalists are known? Does it not make sense to allow the clubs, fans and local authorities the maximum time available to arrange the ties? It was proposed that the draw was actually rigged (with warm balls apparently) and this extra week was just to allow the TV companies enough time to complete their horse-trading. So, we spent a short time predicting the draw and came up with the following:
Man Utd vs Villarreal (keep United's powder dry for the Semis)
Barcelona vs Porto (big in Iberia; pretty much guarantees Barca in the Semis)
Bayern vs Arsenal (big game for the Quarters, and should hopefully - in European eyes - put Bayern through against the weakest English team)
Liverpool vs Chelsea (This one crops up every few years. Big audience and should get rid of Chelsea as no one likes them and Liverpool are awesome in this competition, for some reason).

Actually, in hindsight, allow me to be more cynical. The 4 English teams will play each other and Barca and Bayern will avoid each other. This means 2 English teams and probably the two other clubs who guarantee the TV companies the biggest advertising revenues in the Semis.

I've neatly covered most possibilities there. To take it a step further: Man Utd vs Barca is the dream final. They will be in the other half of the draw to each other, probably with a Barca-Bayern semi to avoid another all-English Final.

I'll close there, safe in the knowledge that football is, yet again, the solution to all of man's communication needs. Who needs practical skills, when all you need to be a man is a basic level of football chat?